(Click on a
comic)
Life After
Death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss
asked one of his employees.
"Why yes I do," the new employee replied
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss said. He
added, "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral,
she stopped in to see you."
Offering
A little boy in church for
the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they
came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under
five."
Memorial Weekend
One Sunday morning, the pastor
noticed little Alex standing
in the church atrium staring up at a large plaque. It
was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of
it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is
this?"
"The
pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died
in the service."
Alex asked, "Which Service? 8:15, 9:45 or 11:15?"
Lesson Learned
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday
sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first
worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a
container of tobacco smoke. The third worm was put into a container of
chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean
soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol
- Dead
The second worm in tobacco smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -
Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What
did you learn from this demonstration??"
An elderly lady sitting in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and
eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
Easter Sunday
On one Easter Sunday years ago one of the ushers reported
to the head usher that there was a man taking up at least three seats of one of
the pews. The head usher went to see what was happening and, sure enough,
there was a man laying down taking up a number of seats. The head usher
said, "Sir, we hope that you would be courteous by realizing that we need
to utilize every seat here, especially on Easter Sunday." The man just
opened his eyes and nodded, then closed them again. The head usher
continued, "I would greatly appreciate your making room for others in this pew
and must insist that you only use the proper amount of space. I've not
seen you here before. Where did you come from?"
The man opened up his eyes and groaned, "The balcony."
Tithes and Offerings
One morning the pastor took some
extra time to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their tithes and
offerings. He challenged the people to give enthusiastically because the Bible
says, "God loves a cheerful giver."
While the plates were being passed to gather the
offering, I noticed a little boy quickly slip off his neck tie and place it into
the offering plate as it went by him. His mother was absolutely mortified. "What
do you think you're doing?" she asked him. "The pastor said put your ties in the offering
plate and do it joyfully," the boy replied. "I love that guy!"
The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a
church. He starts swinging his dog in a circle.
The head usher says, “What are
you doing?”
The blind man says, “Just looking around.”
The Substitute Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a
substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem ...
... and that is how the substitute organist became the permanent
organist!
Church in Vegas
This might surprise those who do not live
there, but there are more Catholic Churches than there are casinos in Las Vegas.
Some
worshipers actually donate casino chips instead of cash when the offering plate is
passed.
Since the church
counting committees end up with chips from many different casinos, the churches
have devised a way to convert the offerings into currency.
The churches send all
their chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are
taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
